Kara Bosworth 11/7/19 Kara Bosworth 11/7/19

I'm the Pregnant Girl You Hate

Meredith Black Photography - Decker Maternity Shoot

I have easy pregnancies. I never throw up, nausea is a mystery to me. I’ve never had heartburn, back pain, or belly stretch marks… easy. (I feel the need to clarify that I’ve had stretch marks on my thighs since I was 12 so there’s no way to tell if I added to those during pregnancy - but I suspect I did. And no one told me to oil up my ass so I got some more there, too, I’m sure. That’s okay, they’re just proof that this booty’s still juicy - and when I’m 80, I’ll have a visual qualifier that it used to be a nice thick thing). I digress. Point is: Pregnancy isn’t a dreadful experience for me and that makes it easier to remember how much of a blessing it truly is to usher a soul into this world.

Why do I have it a little easier?

I’d like to think my consistency with working out, especially in the first trimester when it’s so easy to just take a nap instead, contributes to my easy pregnancies. But I think it’s more likely that I’m just lucky. My mom had great pregnancies and I think I just got that gene. So while grazing all day on food, drinking a ton of water, being vigilant about my vitamins, and working out consistently helps - I think I’m probably just the pregnant girl you hate. I’m in that lucky 15ish% of women that don’t get morning sickness. I still play volleyball, I do high intensity workouts (like Orange Theory), I lift weights, I run, I sprint, I get randy, I maintain my active lifestyle that most women aren’t lucky enough to feel well enough to do in their first trimester.

With my last pregnancy, I could at least complain that Decker was stealing my beauty - but so far this baby hasn’t given me the same problems. I’ve been waiting for the pregnancy acne and melasma but have been pleasantly surprised that it’s stayed away so far. Now, I’m only approaching 20 weeks with our second, so I’ll have to update this if the second half of the pregnancy takes a turn for the terrible. But, so far, so good.

On Pregnancy Weight Gain

When I got pregnant with Decker, I was overweight (for myself, by my standards for me and my preferred BMI for the happiest, healthiest me that performs the best). Please, don’t read more into that than is stated. I’m not body-shaming or insecure, or suggesting I’m not beautiful and great. I’m just suggesting that, for my standards for myself, which are backed by medical guidelines and my own feelings at that size, I was overweight. Now, just let that be what it is and move along.

After doing some research, I learned that if you’re overweight the recommendation from the medical community is that you should only gain 15-25 lbs while pregnant. I worried about weight gain (like most women do - pregnant or not). I booked early morning appointments wearing a thin dress and would take off my watch before stepping on the scale - BECAUSE IM HUMAN AND DAMNIT THAT CLIMBING NUMBER MAKES ME FEEL ANGSTY.

The nurse admitting me the day I gave birth had the chutzpah to say “Oh you’re just shy of 200lbs, I bet you’re so happy you’re delivering early so you don’t hit that 200 mark!” Ya’ll, I could have killed her. Doesn’t she know the first rule about Pregnancy Club? YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN. But, um, the thought HAD crossed my mind, so I decided not to Tyler Durden her ass. Full disclosure: I ended up gaining 25lbs with Decker and she was 8lbs, two weeks early. (For more on Decker’s birth story, check back in to The Pushover Project later).

Point being, I can’t REALLY complain about pregnancy. Except the itchy butthole. That I complained about. Plenty. What even ARE internal hemmies? I guess they’re like Ghost Hemorrhoids - you can’t see them but you can feel their presence.

The Post-Partum Shitshow

So while I may be the pregnant chick you hate, God made sure all was balanced in the end by taking me for a wild ride postpartum. In order of appearance:

A five night hospital stay due to jaundice and a broken clavicle for the baby,
My milk coming in with such a fury that I had an ultrasound on my armpit to rule out a tumor (But, just as Arnold said: It’s not a tumor),
Mastitis,
Thrush (for forever - shout out to Gentian Violet for doing the job when two rounds of antibiotics for each of us could not),
The shingles (ON MY LABIA, DOWN MY BUTT AND ALL THE WAY TO MY DAMN ANKLE)
Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease (to which my mother, Jeana Keough, interrogated: “Well, what the hell are you doing hanging out with FARM ANIMALS?!” - much to my confusion, but then I realized she’s thinking of Hoof-and-Mouth Disease.)
Type A Influenza (Not the flippant “Oh I think I have the flu,” flu but the “OMG I’m dying, what is this, why does it feel like I was beaten, why can’t I move, when will the hurt end, holy hell please deliver me from this evil” the FLU flu),
Strep Throat (See all symptoms listed above, but with 12 hour resolve upon the receiving of antibiotics), and
Painful sex for roughly what felt like 84 years (Shout out to the Flesh Light, which I gifted to my husband - much to his confusion - along with the sage advice: “This is your girlfriend now, I’ll let you know when that changes”).

So try not to hate me too much. It sucked for me, too. It just sucked a little later than I expected.

Kara Bosworth 10/25/19 Kara Bosworth 10/25/19

How Do I say This?

Come on outta the bag, cat.

THE VERDICT IS IN: My new gut is not a rosé FUPA from France; it’s not a Swiss cheese fart from Switzerland, or a pasta clot from Italy. As it turns out, our little Eurotrip left our hearts, our bellies, AND my uterus quite full.

Me, sharing pregnancy news at 26:

“OMG, how am I gonna wait until *tWeLvE WeEkS* to tell everyone - I’m so excited (and young and dumb and well-rested and blissfully ignorant)?!”

Me, sharing pregnancy news at 30, during Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month:

“Oh but...”

… how am I gonna tell people when I know now? I can’t begin to understand, but I know.

I know announcements like this can cause sadness to those squinting their eyes, waiting for two lines to materialize.

I know that pictures like these can contribute to feelings of frustration for those eagerly awaiting The Call that tells them that their baby - the one they’ve been waiting for - is almost in their arms.

I know that smiles like these (about this) might poke and prod at the pain of unfulfilled dreams for those that have suffered a loss, no matter how early, how unfairly, or how long ago.

I know that announcements like this are emotional landmines to those that are tiptoeing around their own grief for the circumstances that won’t allow for the family they envision.

I know these things.

And yet I still don’t know the right thing to say to be sensitive to these huge feelings without feeling like I’m hugely short-changing our little doodle the happiness and joy they sowed in us.

I just don’t know.

Sometimes I simply don’t have the right words, maybe because I’m not wise enough or maybe because there aren’t any. But one of the wisest guys of all time said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that...”

So, I guess, what I’m trying to say is:

“This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”

Your light is coming. Don’t give up.

To our little baby cub

Your sister tiger is so excited to meet you, fiercely protect you, and lead you. She has your crib made up with a soft blanket and her favorite bunny “Bun-Bun.” She’s personally tested every single one of her old pacifiers to make sure they’ve met all quality control standards for your arrival. She’s pushing the stroller around the house in preparation for her role as your best friend in the entire universe. She wants to name you after Daddy’s identical twin and can’t wait to teach you to fish (even though she’s never been fishing herself). She has graciously offered to change your diapers and give you baths and she’s very excited to find out if “Jesus picked a baby brother or a baby sister for us.”

I intentionally waited for the right time to bring you into our family for a reason, I just had no idea my reason would be this freaking excited. It’s really damn cool. We love you like crazy already, baby. April 2nd, 2020 can’t come soon enough.

Love,

Mom/Mama/Mommy/Babe/Honey/Kara (as known by your big sister)

Kara Bosworth 9/30/19 Kara Bosworth 9/30/19

Barf Bags, Cheese Clots and Nap Time Nooky: My Comprehensive Guide to Traveling Abroad with a Toddler

I’m a planner. I’m a “check-in on a Southwest flight the second you’re permitted to” person. I’m a “get to the airport 2 hours early even though I have TSA pre-check” person. I’m a “line up the SECOND they call your boarding zone” person. I’m not calm until my flight takes off and I can watch the flight tracker to confirm there will be an on-time arrival.

Decker in ruins. Literally. Such a crabby patty after waiting in line for an hour and a half.

Admittedly, I have some control issues. And my poor husband is victim to my travel neurosis on the regular. It has been said that there are two types of people in a relationship: the “Here’s your boarding pass, itinerary, and packing list” person and the “Where are we going again?” person… and it’s safe to say I’m the former. So preparing for a trip abroad, which I could not FULLY plan due to the nature of the World Cup playoff brackets, was an extreme sport for me. After three weeks in three different countries with my three year old, here’s my best advice:

1. Opt for Housing over Hotels.

Book VRBO or Airbnb with a closing/locking bedroom when you can. Laundry facilities are essential when you’re dealing with a carsick kid or a pee accident or swamp-ass clothing from walking around all day. You can minimize your luggage this way - which comes in handy for trains/planes/and tiny European automobiles. Closing doors make it easier to put the kid down for naps and still maintain a healthy vacation-worthy sex life in a separate room. Although naptime “bathroom-boogie” can also be accomplished if you remember to bring your portable white noise machine and you aren’t stuck with a TINY European bathroom. Book your rental lodging around a hotel with the highest “Walkable” score on TripAdvisor so you don’t have to worry about driving in a foreign country or putting your kid in a cab without a car seat.

A little stroll to our VRBO from the gelato shop.

2. Rent car seats and buy a cheap umbrella stroller abroad.

You don’t wanna haul carseats across cities and through airports. It’s easiest to rent a car and pay to include the age-appropriate car seat. Unless your kid is young enough still and you happen to have a Doona Stroller, don’t even bother. If you’re going to be doing a lot of walking for a tour, either wear your child or just pick up a cheap umbrella stroller.

We wore Decker in Paris because it was the beginning of our trip and we were so grateful we brought the Lillebaby – which lets your kid essentially sit in a supported Piggy Back Ride (up to 50lbs). By the later part of our trip, we purchased a cheap umbrella stroller and it was so nice to have it - it folded up tightly and stored easily. Try to backload the heavy walking activities for the later part of the trip so you don’t have to worry about exhausting yourself from baby-wearing or transporting the stroller across multiple trains/planes. If you want to bring it home at the end of the trip, it’s just one checking situation vs. lugging it all over if you’re moving locations on your trip.

3. Start each day with an opportunity for the kid to burn some energy.

Whether it’s park time, a walk around a museum, or a dip in the pool… give your tiny human the opportunity to expel some of their endless energy. If they get a chance to move their bodies, they’ll be more inclined to sit peacefully on an iPad while you’re enjoying a seven course Chef’s Tasting Menu with Wine Pairings. After they’ve burned some energy and eaten, naptime arrives just as the buzz from the rosé kicks in and you can attempt naptime nooky! Everybody wins!

4. Bring extra outfits for the plane ride. It’s not excessive, it’s insurance.

Four outfits for each kid, two each for you and your partner. I wish I could say this is “JUST IN CASE OF EMERGENCY” but you’ll likely use them all before arriving at your first hotel. Because kids. Pee, water, food, barf, or snot – none feel good for 10 hours on a flight.

And if the airline loses your luggage, you have clean clothes to get you through until your bag is back in your possession. If your kid’s freshly potty trained or in diapers: Bring one diaper/pull-up for every hour you are expecting to travel (including time to and from airport/plane/lodging) plus two in case of delays or lost baggage. Only bring enough diapers for the first three days of your trip and buy the rest there. Or do what I did and pack diapers for the whole trip to save space for all the clothes you’re GOING TO buy and put in their place – just don’t tell your husband that’s what you’re doing.

Parenting on a Plane 101: iPad & Headphones.

5. Don’t throw all your healthy habits out the window.

Keep taking your probiotics and vitamins and make sure your kids are doing the same. Cut down on nastiness by Clorox wiping your area on public transit – because kids are freaking disgusting and will always lick a seat or tray table given the opportunity. And, for the love of God, mix in a vegetable. We made the mistake of letting Decker overdose on parmesan with EACH bite of pasta while in Florence and Rome – because 1. It was hilarious, 2. She was eating and quiet and 3. We were pretty much doing the same because the parm was top notch. Well after five days of no bowel movements from the kid, she projectile vomited not once but twice on our trek home from Europe. She had a pretty fierce cheese clot and the constipation was REAL. Don’t be us. Force some veggies, smoothies, oatmeal, eggs, any fiber on the small humans. We know better, they don’t.

6. Make exceptions.

We brought pacifiers which we’d been done using for over a year, we laid down with her to put her to bed, we let her watch the iPad at fancy restaurants, we put her in a Pull-Up even though she’s potty trained, and we carried her more than a 3.5 year old needs to be carried.

We made exceptions to some hard house rules – rules that we’ve worked really diligently to set. But kinda like how you can have booze at the airport at 10:00am, and you can wear pajamas in public on an airplane, traveling has its own set of rules and we extended those allowances to our kid. We knew it would be overwhelming, scary, exciting, and over-stimulating for our daughter to take on EIGHT different sleeping locations over the course of three weeks, so we let her have the comfort of a pacifier even though she’d kicked the habit a year and a half prior.

We did what we needed to do to make the trip happen, and she loved every minute of it – truly. That being said, the second she heard the pilot announce we were landing in Jacksonville, she actually SCREECHED with excitement:

“THAT’S US, MOM! THAT’S OUR HOME! WE’RE HOME IN JACKSONVILLE!!!!!!”

And had tears of joy in her eyes. So while there is something magical about showing your kid new cultures, places, and experiences… there’s really nothing like coming home. Especially when you haven’t pooped in five days due to heavy cheese abuse abroad.

If you have any specific questions about traveling with a three year old, or kid questions about Provence, Florence, Rome, Lyon, Paris, Geneva, drop them in the comments.